It’s funny how much things have changed in a year.
But you wanna know what’s even funnier?
It’s funny how some things haven’t changed even after a year.
And by “funny”, I mean “sad”.
August 7, 2008
May 6, 2008
February 14, 2008
December 3, 2007
October 9, 2007
September 7, 2007
I’m ready for Starbucks again
Yesterday was the four-month anniversary of Mike’s and my breakup. Today marks one month after we had our talk on the front step of his house. And with that, I decided enough time had passed and that I was ready to go back to the Starbucks on Washington Ave.
Starbucks, for those of you who don’t know or don’t remember, is where Mike and I broke up. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to consume anything from Starbucks, much less pass by that specific Starbucks without feeling a wave of melancholy wash over me.
Yeah, I know. It sounds like I’m being way too dramatic about a stupid cafe, but as soon as I walked in, it just brought me back to that Sunday four months ago. I remembered where Mike and I stood as we tried to decide what to get. I remembered what we ordered, and I could see us sitting in the spot where it happened. The table and chairs had been moved, and in its place was a group of people standing, but the image of us sitting there was still fresh in my mind.
Sigh… I hope he’s doing okay. I really do. I want him to be happy and to make good decisions in college…
Anyway! Classes started on Tuesday, meaning I am officially a sophomore. Yay? Actually, I liked being a freshman. It gave me an excuse to be clueless. Plus, freshmen are hotter than sophomores. JK. I don’t know why I said that…
I also moved in to my new apartment. It’s spiffy! Yeah, I miss having my own space and not having to worry about other people, but hopefully living with my sister and her [somewhat high-maintenance] friend won’t be too bad.
Well, I should probably go and be more productive with my time…
August 15, 2007
Security, Security! We have a breach!
It’s amazing what happens when you meet someone who’s able to break down your walls. Those walls which you believed were so strongly built. They just come tumbling down, and suddenly, you’re exposed. It can be scary, but at the same time, it can be exciting too. And you might even come to like that part of you is exposed to whoever broke down your walls. You become open to new things– new feelings. Sadly, these feelings might not all be good. Some of them might make you feel like shit. Those feelings might make you wish that you had never left yourself so insecure…
However, that wasn’t the case for me.
You see, I let down my walls, and in doing so, felt the happiest I ever was. It was strange feeling things that I never thought I’d feel. Things I never thought I’d let myself feel. It was awesome. Unfortunately, that came at a price. Things became less awesome and the breach in my security had left me feeling… broken. It was really hard for me. But not once did I regret letting my guard down. If I hadn’t let my walls come tumbling down, I might never have felt all the happy feelings.
I got to feel a little bit of those feelings again when Mike and I had our little talk last week. To be honest, it was a little weird feeling that way, given the circumstances. There’s just something about being near him or hearing his voice that just puts me at ease…
And now he’s gone.
Yup, he left for school today… I know that when I go to bed tonight it’s just gonna hit me how far away he is– and not just physically. He’s pretty much on his own now, and he could start to change, move further away from the person that he is. And as it is, he’s a really nice, sweet, respectful guy. [I know some of you might not understand the high praises I give my ex, but he really was good to me before the distance started to become an issue.] Sigh… I just hope to God that he stays a good boy in college and doesn’t get into the whole drinking/partying scene– at least too much. If those damn kids at his school pressure him into getting wasted every night or having one-night stands, I am going to… tell Mike’s mom! Or something…
I just want him to come home the same person. Or changed for the better… Mike was amazing enough, as well as the first, to break down my walls. I’d hate it then if that same person turned into the stereotypical booze-drinking, party-going, class-failing, girl/sex-obsessed ass with the Freshman 15 and/or a beer belly. Yeah, I know there’s nothing I can do about it, but I still can’t help worrying. I guess it stems from my still caring deeply about Mike. I want what’s best for him and for him to make decisions that his family [and I] can feel proud of him for making, since I know his whole family and his church were pretty predominant in his life growing up. Sigh… I just have to console myself by knowing that Mike’s a good guy, and even if he drinks a little or explores the other side of the tracks, he’ll still come back to his roots. Thank God.
In other news, I am officially a U.S. citizen. Sweet.
