My self-esteem is on vacation?

Lately, there’s a question that’s been on my mind:

“What’s wrong with me?”

Now, I don’t mean it in the mental disorder sense; I mean it in the “why don’t guys like me” sense. Okay, before I begin, let me just say that I am aware of how completely juvenile that sounds. Trust me, I know. But please try to refrain from rolling your eyes too much and let me get a little vulnerable with this one, okay? It’s been really bugging me lately…

So. I’ve been single for a while now, and that’s fine. I don’t think I’m really ready to be in another relationship anyway. Okay, so what’s the problem? Well, it doesn’t seem like any guy shows interest in me. It seems like a number of my friends always have these different guys showing interest, trying to get to know them better, asking them to hang out, hitting on them– whatever. The list goes on. It’s the same for my single and taken friends. And amidst all that, there’s me.

I don’t get hit on and I don’t have guys messaging me to hang out. Okay, I’ll admit that a week after I decided not to date for a while, two guys had asked me out, but they were so wrong for me (I won’t go into that).  Those incidents happened a long time ago, and ever since then, no one has shown any interest in me, which makes me wonder. What is it about me that guys don’t like? And what do my friends all have that I don’t?

Am I really that unattractive? Am I that boring? Is it because guys think I’m so serious all the time? Do I come off as snobby even though I’m really just shy? Are my boobs not big enough? Seriously, what the smurf is wrong with me?

I don’t know… It’s just a little disheartening when no one seems to want to take a chance and get to know me better. To be honest though, when I meet someone new, I try to keep my walls up for a while making it harder for the person to get to know me, but hey, everyone does that.

What’s even more disheartening, however, is when I do let my walls down, let a guy get to know me better, and then he leaves. He’s done. Doesn’t want to get to know me any better. I had a guy friend who got to know me (better than a lot of people actually), and I got to know him. We would hang out and have some good conversations, but lately, he’s stopped wanting to hang out when I’d ask him to. And today, he pretty much confirmed that he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore… So again, what is it about me that pushes guys away?

Recently, I had a guy friend tell me that if a guy wants to get to know a girl better, it’s because she looks good and he’s physically attracted to her. Maybe that’s the answer to my question.

Of course, I could take the active role in getting to know someone, but I’ve had bad luck with it. And besides, I’d like to know what it’s like being on the other side. Being the one that someone actually wants to get to know. I’ve actually experienced it before with my last boyfriend, but it hasn’t happened again since then.

And I’m not asking for some guy to give me a chance for a relationship. What I’ve said thus far can be applied to guys and girls in regard to a real, not-shallow friendship. I’m just focusing on the guy side because it boils down to this: I have this [at times overwhelming] desire to make someone happy and to be a blessing to that person. While it’s good to be a blessing to everyone, I’d especially like to be that in the context of a marriage (i.e., to my husband). With that, it just makes me sad to think that because a guy doesn’t want to get to know me, he’ll never know that about me. He’ll never know that when I meet the right person, I want to make him so friggin’ happy. In fact, when I get upset at a guy for doing/not doing something, I’m probably more upset not because of the action, but because he’s making it harder for me to make him happy (man, I wish I realized that about myself during my last relationship). So yeah. Basically, by not taking a chance on me or even noticing me, I’m afraid no guy will know that about me and know that I have so much I want to give, and then I won’t get married. Instead, I’ll just be by myself, filled to the brim with the desire to make someone happy, which will eventually make me explode because I won’t have any outlet. Unless I get 27 cats to be my outlet. Wow. I think I finally understand old cat ladies.  Anyway. I’m afraid that now that I’ve expressed my desire to get married and released it into the universe, it’s not going to happen. Great.

Okay, I wrote way more than I was planning on writing. My bad. I just needed to get it all out. If you read all of it, I owe you $1 or some McDonald’s fries for your time. Thanks.

What to do, what to do

Seriously. What the smurf do I do?

Non-commenting readers (ahem), I’m in a bit of a predicament. Kinda, sorta, not really. Actually, I don’t know if I can call it a real predicament since it’s mostly internal… Kinda, sorta, not really.

I won’t go into what [un]said predicament is, but here’s my dilemma: Do I keep expending effort into this predicament? Or do I leave it to the other involved parties to do something? Granted, I’m not really doing too much right now, but maybe that’s a sign that I should be doing more. Though to be honest, I don’t really know what else I can do and if doing more would be appropriate for the situation. Most likely not.

I’m being very vague right now.

Yesterday, as I stood in line to vote, I asked my magic coin who was going to win the election. Magic Coin said Obama. With that, I think I might ask Magic Coin to help me decide what to do with my current situation.

Do I keep putting in the conscious effort or just go with the flow?
He says go with the flow.

Do I need to rethink the stance I’m currently taking?
Yes.

Am I going to get hurt?
Yes.

Should I give up?

Goodbye, Mr. Manna

The coolest fish in the whole entire world

R.I.P. Mr. Manna
September 9, 2006 – July 2, 2008

He would have been two years old in September...

I cried. That’s right. I’m not afraid to admit it.

You see, Mr. Manna was more than a betta fish. If you knew the story of his adoption, you’d see why this fish had a lot of sentimental value. However, I’d prefer not to go into that story right now.

And I know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea (read: Walmart), but I don’t care. So no, Mom, I don’t want you to buy me another one.

I want Mr. Manna.

I’ll probably regret this…

But I don’t care.

Tonight I was talking to Sandra online, and our conversation kind of bothered me. She IMed me to tell me that for the first time in about a year she talked to her high school crush.

Okay.

Sandra really liked this guy. Luckily for her, they were good friends. They would talk, hang out, flirt a little, and always hint that maybe they had deeper feelings for each other. It was a pretty cute friendship. But in the end, that’s all it was. That’s all it could be. At the time, the guy, who I’ll call “CA”* due to his sunny Californian look, was going out with someone. And while he might’ve had feelings for Sandra, that didn’t really matter because his religion made things more complicated, not to mention he was moving to Utah after graduation to go to school.

With that, Sandra and CA parted ways. They’d talk here and there, but generally, Sandra just tried to live her life and “get over” him.

So why am I bothered? Well. During the course of our conversation, Sandra would say things like all the feelings she had for him rushed back as they talked. She’d say that she thought she was over him, but their phone conversation made her think otherwise. Or she’d talk about “heartache and heartbreak.” Now, I’m not denying that she had deep feelings for CA, and I’m not trying to belittle them. She used to talk about him with a lot of passion and to the point where it seemed like she was convinced that that was love. But seriously, the way she talked about him made it seem like they actually had a romantic relationship, and with that, a heart-wrenching breakup. And therein lies the foundation of the bothered state I find myself in tonight.

I just wish Sandra actually thought about the things she was saying to me before saying it. I mean, yeah, I’m really glad that we can talk about that kind of thing and we’re that close, but seriously? Did she just forget what I’ve recently been through? The things she said just made it seem like what she felt for CA was similar, if not more intense, to what I felt for Mike. And I’m not so vain to say that it wasn’t (that’d be stupid of me), but even while Mike and I were still dating, I got the vibe from her that the feelings in our relationship didn’t even compare with the feelings in hers and CA’s friendship. If anything, she’s the one that belittled my feelings. Just because I wasn’t like Emma and her who were kind of sappy and super expressive with their idea of “love” doesn’t mean that the feelings weren’t there.

Maybe I’m being too sensitive. But really, she talked as if she knew firsthand what it’s like to deal with a broken heart. I’m not saying that I have a lot of experience in that department either. Mike’s probably (fine, is) the only guy that’s really caused me to feel heartbroken. Yet, I think I’ve felt that more than Sandra. Yes, she and CA went through a lot together, but those things were within the confines of a friendship, not a serious, romantic relationship. Still, as we were talking, I felt like she thought she knew better than me what it’s like to feel those strong emotions and to feel your heart aching. Hey, I don’t need to be told ’cause honey, that’s my every day and my every night. Shoot, it’s become my 24/7.

I don’t think I would be this annoyed if every once in a while Sandra would acknowledge my feelings and my situation. No, I’m not asking for her pity. And I’m not trying to make it all about me. But shit. She’s one of my closest friends, and she has yet to ask me about Mike. She hasn’t seen me cry, so I guess she assumes that I’m just super duper! But I’m not. And I have cried about Mike… Anyway, when we were talking tonight, I would sometimes reply with something that basically said, “Hey, I know exactly what you’re talking about because, wouldn’t you know it, I’m going through the same thing and felt the same way toward my now ex-boyfriend.” And generally, when someone makes a comment with that underlying meaning, you acknowledge it and maybe even ask them about their situation. Yet, my statements of understanding went ignored as if Sandra just forgot that I had a boyfriend who broke up with me. And guess what? I actually still have feelings for him. Shocking, no? Sandra just went on talking as if to tell me (or remind me) what it’s like to have deep feelings for a guy.

Whatever.

I think I’ve exhausted this topic enough. Actually, no. I’m just exhausted. I could keep writing, but I’ve already written an obscene amount and probably blew things out of proportion. Part of me feels guilty for writing this. Like perhaps I’m the one that’s in the wrong, or I’m just too analytical and/or sensitive. Part of me feels like I’m going to regret it. Just watch, someone is gonna slip and tell Sandra about this blog. Heck, it might even be me. Then I’ll feel like a bad, bad person. And yet another part of me is glad I wrote this. It feels good and… empowering. And I’ll admit that I feel slightly less bothered. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

And the awkwardness continues!

Have I mentioned that “awkward” is one of my favorite words? It’s just so definitive of my life. So, just how awkward can Rachel’s weekend be? Let’s count.

Last Friday was The Big Show at the high school. I was 1/3 of the Jazz Band Superfans… Represent? Yeah. It was a good concert, although last year was a lot… Bigger. I guess it would’ve been hard to top last year’s concert. I mean, cookies, an accordion, and a motorcycle?! Mmm, a recipe for awesome.

Sadly, the audience was kinda lame this year. Not too many people showed up. Mike’s whole family showed up and sat two rows right behind me. Awkward #1. Oh well. I don’t even know if they know me. Anyway, I ended up sitting with some guys I graduated with. And then Emma* showed up… Awkward #2. She’s one of Mike’s ex-girlfriends. And while that puts us in the same category, unlike her, I don’t hate Mike. And I’m not going to make him miserable for the next eight-ish months after our breakup. I can understand her resentment. He did break up with her through a text message… But I’m not gonna try to milk the breakup and make his next girlfriend feel bad. And if that does happen… it won’t be on purpose.

Anyway! The concert was cool. Cool music. Cool people. And amazing solos! Who knew the cowbell could sound so… multi-dimensional? It was friggin’ sweet. Also, during a song, Swanny told Mike to solo. So, he got up in front, and damn. Just… damn. He was hot. Especially in all-black concert attire. His solo was pretty sweet too. And he did this thing with his eyebrows and made the cutest face when he was hitting them high notes. And when he walked back to his stand, I’ll admit– even though I shouldn’t, but who’s gonna read this anyway?– I checked out his ass. Yeah, that’s right. Eyes. Ass. Contact. I always loved that boy’s ass. I’m not an ass girl, by any means. Heck, I barely even notice them. But geez! I really liked his ass. I really shouldn’t have looked, but I couldn’t help it. I’m still physically attracted to him, and I mean really attracted. Thus, in the 3.4 seconds I spent staring at his ass, I created Awkward #3.

After the concert, I talked to a few people and Mike. It was a bit weird since it seemed like he had a hard time looking at me… Awkward #4. We talked about the end of the year and graduating, which kinda sorta lead me to asking about his grad party. Apparently, it was going to be on Sunday. Thanks for the short notice? Yeah. That was like Awkward #4.5. I also talked to Emma for a while, and since talking to her is slighty discomforting, we’ll call that Awkward #5.

Saturday was pretty awkward-free. Hooray for me.

But Sunday. Oh, Sunday. Went to church, then some friends’ house so we could go to Mike’s party… We got there, congratulated Mike and I gave him a hug before giving him his gift. Awkward #6. I know I shouldn’t have spent so much time and effort on his present, but I wanted to give him something special. And besides, it wasn’t too much effort. I just made him a little handwritten book called, “How to Survive Your First Year of College,” and put fun little tips in there. I also got him a shot glass and put a “seal” on it. Heh. Anywho… I talked to some people, felt awkward, and looked at Mike’s pictures growing up, which were sooo cute. But to top that, Mike’s little toddler cousins were there, and seeing him interact with them was just–omigosh. It was so CUTE. Freaking adorable #1. Damn. Made me want him even more. And as I stared at him, I thought, “he’s going to make a great father someday,” and in thinking so created Awkward #7. I should not have such thoughts… anymore…

After a while, we left. I got home, and who calls me asking if I knew where to find an extra clarinet? Emma. Awkward #8 (I never gave her my number). So we talked, and that night, we had rehearsal for the Junk’s concert. Mike came, and I got to ask him a few things. Just to clear the air between us. Awkward #9. We decided I was keeping our fish. After talking, we were standing with a group of people, when Sandra’s sister, who happens to be my other close friend’s ex-gf (she dumped him 2 weeks after Mike dumped me), came up to Mike and gave him a hug that lasted a little too long for my liking. And the flirt did it right in front of me! And her ex! What. The. Frick. Awkward #107981234… fine, 10.

After rehearsal, a bunch of us headed to a going away party for a friend. He’s going to Iraq… I drove Sandra, because driving is scary and I didn’t want to drive alone (especially through tight, construction areas). I did a bad job of driving, and when I parked in front of the house, who parked in front of me? Mike. Okay, great. I took my time getting out and when I did, he smiled, and what’s the first thing he said? “You drive really slow.” Awkward #11. Why? Of all people, why did it have to be him that drove behind me? Sandra came to my defense, however, and he agreed that it was enough that I drove. And he did say that he hadn’t been behind me the whole time. Yay. Score one measly point for Rachel.

The party went well. Small talked with Mike for a little bit. I really wish I could’ve talked to him more…

Is it unhealthy to miss him this bad? I don’t care. Call me sick. Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. I still miss him…

Well, that about sums up the awkwardness of my weekend. There were more awkward moments, but at this point, I’m ignoring them. Besides, most of the moments I’ve listed here are big awkward moments, not just little dinky ones. The dinky ones tend to not have much effect anymore as I’m so used to them now. I’ll wrap this up now, but before I do, I guess I should summarize the rest of my night:

Left the party. Panicked about driving in the dark. Ignored my brain and better judgment. Took a very obvious wrong turn home.

Awkward #12.

All the cool kids think

These past few days have been interesting. Well, maybe “interesting” isn’t the right word. “Thought-provoking” might be better.

I was talking to my friend Sandra* and told her that there were a lot of things on my mind (i.e. Mike). So, she suggested that we hang out, talk about things, and get things off our chests. I was totally cool with that. Sandra is one of my closest friends from high school, and we shared a lot with each other, especially in the boy department. However, I knew that she hadn’t been a big fan of Mike and had yet to really ask me about our breakup, so I decided that if we were to hang out, I wouldn’t be the one to bring him up in our conversation. With that, I agreed to hang out with Sandra on Wednesday.

However, what I thought was going to be some one-on-one bonding time turned out to be a trip to the Bell Museum/the U and the Tea Garden/Macalester with Peter and David, friends from high school. It was fun despite the rain. I really liked hanging out with those people, even Peter and David, who I don’t know very well. Still, I would’ve liked to have talked to Sandra about Mike since talking about it helps sometimes. Oh well. I didn’t want to bring it up and ruin the light atmosphere. And besides, Sandra knew that the whole Mike issue was on my mind, and if she didn’t ask me about it, I figured she didn’t want to talk about it. So, once again, oh well.

To continue the thought-provoking days was tonight’s band concert at the high school. It was The Junk’s last concert. I’m going to miss her. It won’t be the same to visit the high school since she won’t be around. She had a really good run though. A lot of alumni (including a lot of class of ‘06, ‘05, and a 20-something dude with a green mohawk) came to watch her last concert. It was a really good program, although the traditional senior slideshow was better last year…

Adding to tonight’s events was seeing Mike for the first time since we broke up. He came out with a few people at the very start of the concert to play a fanfare and my heart started racing. By the time he left the stage, I was on the verge of tears. It was really, really nice to see him, but seeing him made me realize how much I miss him. I was able to talk to him and give him a hug after the concert, which felt nice. It was a little awkward, but I think we’re capable of being friends at the least. Well, I hope we are…

Geez, I’m pooped. I could do without the thought-provoking days for a while. I’m tired of thinking.

Alone Again (Naturally)

Oh, Gilbert O’Sullivan. How you speak the truth.

I’ve been home for about a week now… I guess it’s a little weird. I went from living in a single room at the dorms to living back at home with five other people. And a cat.

Yet I still feel lonely.

I think I associate home with Mike, and being at home meant I got to be closer to him. But now that we’re not together anymore… I don’t know. It hurts knowing that he’s so close yet so far away. There were so many things I wanted to do with him. Things I wanted to do for him. A friend of mine told me that now I can do those things with another guy, but I don’t want to do those things with him even if he’s my next boyfriend. I wanted to do it with Mike. But who knows? Maybe I’m still biased… I really did have strong feelings for him though. Some of my close friends know that I never wanted to get married, but after being with Mike and feeling what I did for him… I guess I changed my mind… But now– oh geez, I shouldn’t be thinking about this.

Anyway… I think I’ll be writing about Mike a few more times (at least). I can’t help it. Thinking about him makes me want to write. And there’s only so much I can tell my friends.

Speaking of which, it’s kinda funny how a lot of my close friends from high school don’t really know that much about Mike and me, or even how we broke up, yet people I don’t know that well have noticed (via Facebook) and have tried to console me about it. It’s okay that some my close friends haven’t really asked me about it. I’m not going to go out of my way to tell them about it though. And besides, I already have a few friends that I can turn to about Mike, and I’m thankful for that. They’ve been so cool in helping me bounce back. It’s kind of awkward though, now that I’m home. I was surrounded by those friends at school, but here at home, I’m back with my older friends. It’s really cool and all, but I can’t help feeling a little lonely. Especially when it comes to Mike matters. They don’t really know what’s going on, and I’m tired of having to explain and defend my feelings to people who may not understand or have the patience to listen.

So, I guess I’ll just try to keep these things to myself and this blog.

And Mr. O’Sullivan.

Sigh…