My self-esteem is on vacation?

Lately, there’s a question that’s been on my mind:

“What’s wrong with me?”

Now, I don’t mean it in the mental disorder sense; I mean it in the “why don’t guys like me” sense. Okay, before I begin, let me just say that I am aware of how completely juvenile that sounds. Trust me, I know. But please try to refrain from rolling your eyes too much and let me get a little vulnerable with this one, okay? It’s been really bugging me lately…

So. I’ve been single for a while now, and that’s fine. I don’t think I’m really ready to be in another relationship anyway. Okay, so what’s the problem? Well, it doesn’t seem like any guy shows interest in me. It seems like a number of my friends always have these different guys showing interest, trying to get to know them better, asking them to hang out, hitting on them– whatever. The list goes on. It’s the same for my single and taken friends. And amidst all that, there’s me.

I don’t get hit on and I don’t have guys messaging me to hang out. Okay, I’ll admit that a week after I decided not to date for a while, two guys had asked me out, but they were so wrong for me (I won’t go into that).  Those incidents happened a long time ago, and ever since then, no one has shown any interest in me, which makes me wonder. What is it about me that guys don’t like? And what do my friends all have that I don’t?

Am I really that unattractive? Am I that boring? Is it because guys think I’m so serious all the time? Do I come off as snobby even though I’m really just shy? Are my boobs not big enough? Seriously, what the smurf is wrong with me?

I don’t know… It’s just a little disheartening when no one seems to want to take a chance and get to know me better. To be honest though, when I meet someone new, I try to keep my walls up for a while making it harder for the person to get to know me, but hey, everyone does that.

What’s even more disheartening, however, is when I do let my walls down, let a guy get to know me better, and then he leaves. He’s done. Doesn’t want to get to know me any better. I had a guy friend who got to know me (better than a lot of people actually), and I got to know him. We would hang out and have some good conversations, but lately, he’s stopped wanting to hang out when I’d ask him to. And today, he pretty much confirmed that he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore… So again, what is it about me that pushes guys away?

Recently, I had a guy friend tell me that if a guy wants to get to know a girl better, it’s because she looks good and he’s physically attracted to her. Maybe that’s the answer to my question.

Of course, I could take the active role in getting to know someone, but I’ve had bad luck with it. And besides, I’d like to know what it’s like being on the other side. Being the one that someone actually wants to get to know. I’ve actually experienced it before with my last boyfriend, but it hasn’t happened again since then.

And I’m not asking for some guy to give me a chance for a relationship. What I’ve said thus far can be applied to guys and girls in regard to a real, not-shallow friendship. I’m just focusing on the guy side because it boils down to this: I have this [at times overwhelming] desire to make someone happy and to be a blessing to that person. While it’s good to be a blessing to everyone, I’d especially like to be that in the context of a marriage (i.e., to my husband). With that, it just makes me sad to think that because a guy doesn’t want to get to know me, he’ll never know that about me. He’ll never know that when I meet the right person, I want to make him so friggin’ happy. In fact, when I get upset at a guy for doing/not doing something, I’m probably more upset not because of the action, but because he’s making it harder for me to make him happy (man, I wish I realized that about myself during my last relationship). So yeah. Basically, by not taking a chance on me or even noticing me, I’m afraid no guy will know that about me and know that I have so much I want to give, and then I won’t get married. Instead, I’ll just be by myself, filled to the brim with the desire to make someone happy, which will eventually make me explode because I won’t have any outlet. Unless I get 27 cats to be my outlet. Wow. I think I finally understand old cat ladies.  Anyway. I’m afraid that now that I’ve expressed my desire to get married and released it into the universe, it’s not going to happen. Great.

Okay, I wrote way more than I was planning on writing. My bad. I just needed to get it all out. If you read all of it, I owe you $1 or some McDonald’s fries for your time. Thanks.

What to do, what to do

Seriously. What the smurf do I do?

Non-commenting readers (ahem), I’m in a bit of a predicament. Kinda, sorta, not really. Actually, I don’t know if I can call it a real predicament since it’s mostly internal… Kinda, sorta, not really.

I won’t go into what [un]said predicament is, but here’s my dilemma: Do I keep expending effort into this predicament? Or do I leave it to the other involved parties to do something? Granted, I’m not really doing too much right now, but maybe that’s a sign that I should be doing more. Though to be honest, I don’t really know what else I can do and if doing more would be appropriate for the situation. Most likely not.

I’m being very vague right now.

Yesterday, as I stood in line to vote, I asked my magic coin who was going to win the election. Magic Coin said Obama. With that, I think I might ask Magic Coin to help me decide what to do with my current situation.

Do I keep putting in the conscious effort or just go with the flow?
He says go with the flow.

Do I need to rethink the stance I’m currently taking?
Yes.

Am I going to get hurt?
Yes.

Should I give up?

Buses and Boxers and Boys, Oh My!

If you were to ask me before today how many times I was on a city bus waiting for the light to turn green, fortuitously looked out the window, and saw a young man sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, wearing only a T-shirt and boxers as he was getting to make a pants switch, I would say, “once.”

But oh no, my friends. Today, I have been blessed with the opportunity to now say, “twice.” Yes, twice. And under almost the exact same conditions. No lie. Both guys even looked at me. That was slightly embarrassing.

The worst part is that on both occasions, I was too slow to initially realize what was going on and what exactly I was looking at. This flaw in my character resulted in me smiling at the guy today after we made eye contact. Yeah… I’m thinking now that he probably thought I was a pervert.

 

Awesome.

By the way, they were yellow.

Protected: I have issues

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Merda.

Okay.

I normally don’t really regret things that I’ve done. Even when society says that I should lament things done or said, I ignore it and do my own thing. And you know what? I would feel okay. Heck, sometimes I would feel pretty good.

I think that stems from my tendency to look on the bright side of things when it comes to certain situations. Even if things don’t seem to turn out the way I had hoped, I would still try to find the good in the situation. Along with that, I think my being a very hopeful person has kept me from really regretting things. I would always have this hope that in the end, everything would be okay. Sometimes, optimism and hope were all I needed to keep myself from regretting anything.

However, as of late, I’m finding that these two things aren’t enough anymore. I’m realizing that there is something that I regret:

• I regret asking him that question.
• I regret walking to and from class with him.
• I regret trusting him.
• I think I might even regret becoming friends with him.

I used to be easygoing. No, seriously, I did. My life was pretty simple and free of much drama, and although my previous posts might not really convey it, I was generally happy with my life.

But then, he stepped into the picture– no, I welcomed him into the picture. At first, everything was great. I made a new friend, and that was cool. However, after some time, and after some foolish moves on my part, things went downhill. And I’m not talking “downhill” like the cute little bunny hill. No, I’m talking triple-black-diamond-with-one-ski-no-poles-and-killer-snow-sharks-waiting-at-the-bottom-of-the-hill downhill. Yeah, like that.

I know I’m probably exaggerating, but I feel like my life has gotten comparatively worse after becoming friends with him. And by no means am I putting all the blame on him. I’m just saying that if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have done the things that I did, and certain things wouldn’t have happened to put us in the particular situation that we’re in now. 

I just wish I could go back and change things. I wish none of this had ever happened…

Protected: My affair with the weather needs to end…

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