Time Flies

Oh, blog.  I’ve neglected you…  Lo siento.  I’ll try not to let it happen again (read: it’ll probably happen again because lucky me, my internet at my house isn’t working).

Anyway…

This is my last semester of college…  That’s weird.  All this time, I’ve just been focusing on almost being done and getting out of school, but just recently, it hit me that this is my last semester of college.  There is no “spring semester.”  There is no “next year.”  Whatever I wanted to do while I was in college, I need to do now.  No more holding off.  No more procrastinating.  As our dear Gopher football team likes to say, “THE TIME IS NOW!”  So, for the next few months, I’m going to make it a point to do the following:

1. Visit/Study in my favorite place on campus* (which I won’t get to do once it gets cold because it’s outside).
2. Visit/Study in various coffee shops on and near campus.
3. Visit my old place of employment, Dunn Bros., and get half-off drinks.
4. Go to at least two Campus People Watchers events.
5. Go to church more and get more involved.
6. Go to West Bank and St. Paul at least one time each.
7. Successfully feed a squirrel.
8. Finish my Honors Thesis (though it would probably help somewhat if I actually started first).
9. Go to at least two concerts (on- and/or off-campus).
10. Go to Gophers After Dark at least once.
11. Go to the Rec Center at least three times.
12. Actually go to campus events and get lots of freebies.

I guess we’ll see how successful I am at accomplishing these things.  I’m sitting in Espresso Expose right now, so #2 is off to a good start.  And I was just at my favorite place on campus yesterday, so again, that’s another good start.

Anyway, Espresso Expose just started playing The Beatles, so I’m really distracted right now.  That’s okay though ’cause I think I’ll end this here and continue listening to The Beatles.

*more on that later

And I’m Back.

Has it seriously been three (going on four) months since I last wrote?

Hm.  I guess it has.

Things just got a little busy.  Between classes, work, traveling, and studying abroad for three weeks in Copenhagen, I didn’t really have much time to update this blog.  But now that I’m back and starting to settle into my summer groove, I’ll hopefully be able to update more.

Unfortunately, this is all I have for right now.  I have other things to attend to.

P.S.

:(

Aww…

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Another Saturday Night

So… plans for tonight fell through.  Now I’m sitting on the couch all by myself watching 300.  Somehow, I feel like there should be at least one guy in the room if I’m going to be watching this movie… Whatever, there are enough men in the movie.  Actually, come to think of it, 300 should really be considered a chick flick.  I mean, what kind of guy wants to watch a movie with a bunch of nearly naked men flexing their muscles and showing off their chiseled abs?  Yeah, it’s definitely for all the single ladies (all the single ladies!).

Holy ****!  He just stabbed that thing in the eye!!!

Oh yeah. It’s a chick flick.

Further proof: It’s got my man, Rodrigo Santoro (who was in Love Actually and LOST).

Boy you can take home to meet the parents.

"God-King" you can take... to Claire's where you can get piercings and cheap jewelry!

Maybe one more.

Oh yeah. Mom would definitely approve.

Wikipedia: My drug of choice?

Wikipedia is addicting.  Seriously.

After spending the better part of my day shopping with the roommate and cooking, I decided to have a nice, low-key Saturday night with my laptop.  It started with getting a little more caught up with “Heroes,” an addicting show in itself (if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you do).  Coming off my “Heroes” high, I then went on Wikipedia to refresh my memory of past episodes and characters as well as to see if I could get any new insights on the show.

What was supposed to be a quick stop at Wikipedia turned into getting lost in that beautiful website for two hours.  Starting Point: “Heroes,” Ending Point: “Kyrill, Prince of Preslav.”  Here’s a more detailed account of the Wikipath I took:

• Heroes
• List of characters in Heroes
• List of comic book superpowers
• Morphing
• Psychokinesis
• Eidetic memory
• Sergei Rachmaninoff
• Hyperthymesia
• Clairvoyance
• Psychometry
• Pyrokinesis
• Nora Zehetner
• Eric Roberts
• Mythology of Heroes
• Baily’s beads
• 9
• 9 (number)
• Naegele’s rule
• Nine Unknown Men
• 0.999…
• 7
• 7 (number)
• White dwarf
• Stellar classification
• Tam Lin
• Ganges
• Vaimanika Shastra
• Edward Bulwer-Lytton
• It was a dark and stormy night…
• Paul Clifford
• Seven Sleepers
• July 27
• Adam Biddle (footballer)
• Kyrill, Prince of Preslav

Man, Wikipedia is awesome.  I mean, look at how much I learned on a Saturday night when classes aren’t even in session.  Seriously.  Who needs college when I’ve got Wikipedia?

I’m in an intermediate state

And it’s not a good place to be.

in·ter·me·di·ate

adj.   Lying or occurring between two extremes or in a middle position or state

Yup.  That’s me.  I’m caught between:
1. Being good and being bad.
2. Wanting to be sorry and wanting to be mad.
3. Being happy and being sad.

(Yay for rhyming, yo.)

I don’t like being between two extremes.  You see, when you’re clearly on one end, there are certain criteria that define your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc.  But when you’re in the middle, the criteria just blow up.  They don’t exist.  Instead, you’re left to pick criteria from either extreme.  And you know what?  That’s cheating.  You don’t end up with nice criteria.  You end up with mutt criteria, and mutt criteria do a shoddy job of telling you how to act.

Bleh.

But you know, maybe it’s not that bad being in an intermediate state.  Okay. Allow me to speak nerd for a paragraph or two to explain.

n.   Chemistry A substance formed as a necessary stage in the manufacture of a desired end product.

Well.  That’s encouraging.  “Necessary stage.”  “Desired end product.”  So even though I’m in this intermediate stage now, perhaps it won’t last forever.  It’s good to think of it in the sense that I need to go through this stage first before getting to a stage I want to be at.

Duh.  I should’ve known that.  The evidence is everywhere.

You have to walk before you run.  You have to go through an awkward adolescence before becoming an adult.  You have to wait before… oh, a billion nice things.

So I guess being in an intermediate state, while not completely enjoyable, isn’t entirely a bad thing.  To be honest, that’s not the conclusion I was planning on drawing when I started writing this post.  I was totally planning on harping on the sucky side of being in the middle, but as I kept writing, Dictionary.com showed me the error of my ways and said, “Hey, it’s not so bad being in the middle.  Check out definition three.”  Thanks, Dictionary.com.

I guess, that makes this post pointless… save for this:

P.S. After writing this, I have the urge to listen to Jimmy Eat World.

My self-esteem is on vacation?

Lately, there’s a question that’s been on my mind:

“What’s wrong with me?”

Now, I don’t mean it in the mental disorder sense; I mean it in the “why don’t guys like me” sense. Okay, before I begin, let me just say that I am aware of how completely juvenile that sounds. Trust me, I know. But please try to refrain from rolling your eyes too much and let me get a little vulnerable with this one, okay? It’s been really bugging me lately…

So. I’ve been single for a while now, and that’s fine. I don’t think I’m really ready to be in another relationship anyway. Okay, so what’s the problem? Well, it doesn’t seem like any guy shows interest in me. It seems like a number of my friends always have these different guys showing interest, trying to get to know them better, asking them to hang out, hitting on them– whatever. The list goes on. It’s the same for my single and taken friends. And amidst all that, there’s me.

I don’t get hit on and I don’t have guys messaging me to hang out. Okay, I’ll admit that a week after I decided not to date for a while, two guys had asked me out, but they were so wrong for me (I won’t go into that).  Those incidents happened a long time ago, and ever since then, no one has shown any interest in me, which makes me wonder. What is it about me that guys don’t like? And what do my friends all have that I don’t?

Am I really that unattractive? Am I that boring? Is it because guys think I’m so serious all the time? Do I come off as snobby even though I’m really just shy? Are my boobs not big enough? Seriously, what the smurf is wrong with me?

I don’t know… It’s just a little disheartening when no one seems to want to take a chance and get to know me better. To be honest though, when I meet someone new, I try to keep my walls up for a while making it harder for the person to get to know me, but hey, everyone does that.

What’s even more disheartening, however, is when I do let my walls down, let a guy get to know me better, and then he leaves. He’s done. Doesn’t want to get to know me any better. I had a guy friend who got to know me (better than a lot of people actually), and I got to know him. We would hang out and have some good conversations, but lately, he’s stopped wanting to hang out when I’d ask him to. And today, he pretty much confirmed that he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore… So again, what is it about me that pushes guys away?

Recently, I had a guy friend tell me that if a guy wants to get to know a girl better, it’s because she looks good and he’s physically attracted to her. Maybe that’s the answer to my question.

Of course, I could take the active role in getting to know someone, but I’ve had bad luck with it. And besides, I’d like to know what it’s like being on the other side. Being the one that someone actually wants to get to know. I’ve actually experienced it before with my last boyfriend, but it hasn’t happened again since then.

And I’m not asking for some guy to give me a chance for a relationship. What I’ve said thus far can be applied to guys and girls in regard to a real, not-shallow friendship. I’m just focusing on the guy side because it boils down to this: I have this [at times overwhelming] desire to make someone happy and to be a blessing to that person. While it’s good to be a blessing to everyone, I’d especially like to be that in the context of a marriage (i.e., to my husband). With that, it just makes me sad to think that because a guy doesn’t want to get to know me, he’ll never know that about me. He’ll never know that when I meet the right person, I want to make him so friggin’ happy. In fact, when I get upset at a guy for doing/not doing something, I’m probably more upset not because of the action, but because he’s making it harder for me to make him happy (man, I wish I realized that about myself during my last relationship). So yeah. Basically, by not taking a chance on me or even noticing me, I’m afraid no guy will know that about me and know that I have so much I want to give, and then I won’t get married. Instead, I’ll just be by myself, filled to the brim with the desire to make someone happy, which will eventually make me explode because I won’t have any outlet. Unless I get 27 cats to be my outlet. Wow. I think I finally understand old cat ladies.  Anyway. I’m afraid that now that I’ve expressed my desire to get married and released it into the universe, it’s not going to happen. Great.

Okay, I wrote way more than I was planning on writing. My bad. I just needed to get it all out. If you read all of it, I owe you $1 or some McDonald’s fries for your time. Thanks.